Sunday, October 31, 2004

Light Blogging Alert

It's off to the original Sin City this week. I'll be in New Orleans at an ubergeek conference for Macromedia. I may or may not blog, depending on how useless my brain is at the end of the day.

I voted early, so that's off my checklist. Irks me, though, that I'll have no one to endure Election Night with. The kids have trunk-or-treated at church already, and they'll get a bit more tonight with their cousins. Gotta let the Grandmas see the cuties in costume. The house is a disaster, but the kitchen is clean. Much easier to come home to a clean kitchen and messy house, than a messy kitchen. Period. In our house, as the kitchen goes, so goes the day.

I'm really not looking forward to this trip because I've reached that age (I actually reached this age when Mrs. Woody and I began to get serious about each other) where I don't like travelling without my lifeline. She makes travelling fun, because I have someone with me who appreciates the same things I do. For this trip, my travelling companion is a youngster from a whole different generation who probably looks forward to trying out some Bourbon St. hospitality while plugged in via cell phone to his girlfriend du jour. I'm wondering how many museums I'll have time or energy to check out.

The best part about this trip is the total lack of Mardi Gras at this time of year. At least I won't have to endure revelry.

Now if I could just do something about this separation anxiety.

UPDATE: Still have separation anxiety, but at least my travelling companion has proven to be an able navigator. This is good because this town (with apologies to Sobek) appears to have been designed entirely by drunken French fur trappers. It's one of those old, narrow-streeted cities that have lots of atmosphere, which is so dense I haven't had a full breath since stepping off the plane last night. Otherwise, we're in geek heaven here.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Civil Discourse - Continued

Goodness. Yet another display of civil reasoned discourse related to politics. This time, a young man attending Fort Lewis College in Durango, Colorado, was wearing a College Republicans sweat shirt that said "Work for us now... or work for us later." In an expression of disagreement, a part-time college instructor kicked him in the leg at a restaurant and said she should have kicked him higher and harder. Another educated opinion.

I'm guessing the instructor got herself a good talking to by campus administrators, because she quickly wrote a letter apologizing to the young man, followed by an apology from the college itself.

This is all well and good, but the young man is pressing charges. He will also file a formal complaint with the college.

I guess there have been a lot of negative ions in the air this year. Far more than any previous election of which I've been a part, and I'm a veteran of California's Proposition 22 battle of several years ago. For some reason, these ions have been far more attracted to liberals than conservatives this year. Take, for example, John O'Neill. How many times have we seen him interview on some show or other, staying calm and collected while hosts and abusive guests tear him limb from limb. Michelle Malkin, no stranger to hardball interviews, was subjected to a spittle-emitting Chris Matthews. Matthews, a devotee of the Jerry Springer "You Don't Have to Know What You're Talking About" interviewing technique, was quite pleased with himself after his embarrassing performance, and Keith "Just an Old Sports Hack Reporter" Olbermann was beside himself with glee on Matthews' behalf. Bill Maher considers patriotism to be cowardice.

The instructor, in her apology, attributed her behavior to a "knee-jerk" reaction. Well, that same "knee-jerk" attitude has been responsible for more vandalism, political terrorism, and threatened civil disobedience than this country has seen since the era of Civil Rights abuses in the South. It's as if we can expect another Watts riot to break out if Kerry, heaven willing, doesn't win on November 2. The ions are that heavy this year.

Maybe the conservatives are feeling them, too. Maybe that's why we refuse to listen to this man who would have us believe how honorable it was to come home and accuse other veterans of being, essentially, war criminals. Or that he'll be more than happy to destroy bin Laden, if only he can talk to him first.

It's gotta be those danged ions.

Can't be anything he's said.

UPDATE: Yep. She got a talking to. Follow this link for information related to Ms. Spero's "resignation."

Variations on a Theme

This one made the rounds at work this week:

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy. The teacher asks Little Johnny, who had not raised his hand, why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont and she is a liberal, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."

I have no idea why this one tickles my funny bone. I suppose it has to do with the fantasy of some elementary school-aged kid having this kind of conversation with their teacher. Especially a liberal teacher. Yeah. I like that fantasy...

Friday, October 29, 2004

Harkin Speaks for Whom?

Drudge points to this tidbit from the Cedar Valley Daily in Iowa. Sen. Tom Harkin, campaigning for a local House candidate as well as John F. ThereIsNoGodButKennedy Kerry makes the extraordinary statement that Kerry's perceived rise in the polls is "what God wants."

Hm. Need to check my facts. Let's see: Paper boy; construction worker; bottling plant worker; pilot in the Navy and Naval Reserves; Congressional staffer; attorney; Congressman; Senator. Impressive resume, but no, nothing about being an ordained minister...

Oh, wait! He graduated from a Catholic law school! That must be it.

Well, I guess I'm just a tad skeptical. Last time I checked with one of God's reps, we were told to study the issues and make an informed choice. Wise and honest people we should seek. Oh, and need to protect the family unit while we're at it. I didn't see Kerry's name in there anywhere. Or any other candidate's name, for that matter. Granted this advice came four years ago, but neither did I see Bush's or Gore's name anywhere in that advice. I'm assuming He's not greasing the skids this year for Kerry, either.

No, any way you slice it, I suspect God has nothing to do with the polls. If anything, the polls only measure how much attention we as a people may be paying to God. Or not, as the case may be. If the polls are going up for JFK, I can only reason that people are paying less attention to more important matters.

Like their souls.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Teaching - The Noble Profession

My wife is a teacher. She's a teacher by nature, and by choice. For eight years she taught as a special resource teacher, mostly at the junior high level. Some might say this automatically qualifies her for canonization. I might say, been there, done that.

Even when she was no longer teaching, she worked in education for a once-prominent publisher. When we started having kids, she gave up on work outside the home, and began to concentrate on working in the home. Today she's a teacher again.

I always knew that teachers put in a lot of planning time away from the classroom. This is, perhaps, why I never considered teaching as a career path. I am not a good natural preparer. My idea of preparation is finding matching socks in the morning, even if they don't necessarily match my clothes. My wife compensates for this by buying me two colors of socks; white and black. Hard to miss with white or black. Anyway, watching my wife go through her preparations for teaching only serves to justify my lack of a teaching credential.

Much of her preparation involves our computer. We have a pretty decent home computer in our family room. This is the machine on which I've done a few Tim Allen-like adjustments, and it roars. It may look like an eMachine, but this baby has teeth. Occasionally I get visitation rights.

Since we homeschool, my wife networks. I don't mean mere social networking in the sense of staying in touch with other teachers and sharing ideas. I mean networking in the Cisco sense where our computer communicates directly with about a jillion other computers around the world and swaps materials back and forth. Some people have eclectic music collections on their CDs. We have out-of-print-but-still-useful workbooks, textbooks, teacher guides, student guides, Tibetan Sherpa guides, you name it. Our computer has enough material on it to open a library.

My wife is also big on themes in her teaching, especially since our girls are both so young. Harry Potter is our theme right now, and my wife is compiling literally books full of information. She's creating a science curriculum based on the boy wizard which she will print and bind for the girls to use while Daddy spends next week out of town. I'll be attending a Macromedia conference. I'll bet they don't have a Harry Potter science curriculum! By the time I return the girls will both know more than I ever did about frogs, unicorns, and thestrals. Among other things.

I sometimes say Daddy gets taught just as much as the girls. Daddy has already sacrificed for this current theme. The girls receive letters via owl post in which they are given lessons from various Hogwarts teachers. Snape, of course, being the most dangerous. One day on my arrival home after work, I was accosted by two very excited little girls who needed a taste tester for their Hydra Vomit potion.

Excuse me? Did you say Hydra Vomit?

Yes we did, Daddy! And you get to taste it!

So I did. It was actually pretty good with carrots, but looked like an old practical joke my high school choir teacher once told us about involving a thermos, a concoction of vegetable soup, cottage cheese, and oatmeal, and a movie theater balcony. You don't want to know.

This is the sum total of my contributions to date in the education of my little sweeties. Taste Tester of Dubious Delights. Of course, I take my job seriously. When they do these lessons, they're supposed to interview me and write down my answers. "What do you think of the name?" "It's gross." This sends them into peals of laughter and makes the interview last three times as long as it might otherwise.

I suffer for my family. But what dedicated Dad doesn't?

Of Hollywood and Kennedy

Two seemingly unrelated thoughts today, but I think I can thread them together. Bear with me.

First, I am not a gushing fan of Hollywood. I've lived all too close to "that town" pretty much all my life. It doesn't really have anything that I need. I am especially disenchanted with most of what Hollywood touts as "stars." One year I had an opportunity to sing for the Hollywood Bowl's annual (at least, it was annual back then) Easter Sunrise service. As a twenty-something year old male, I fully expected to be dazzled by Hollywood's version of feminine pulchritude. I made two observations having seen these ladies fairly up close:

1. They are short. Seriously, if it weren't for the hair and heels, most of them would only make it to my chin. I'd gotten used to the camera tricks of shooting at a slightly upward angle to make everyone, women included, appear taller. Sheesh.

2. Makeup generally only covers the face. One starlet came out in a stunning gown that was nearly backless. This showed a) courage in the face of near-freezing temperatures, and b) a back that was heavily freckled when compared with a face that had been made up to a porcelain-quality glaze. I have nothing against freckles, but my dominant thought was, "facade."

That marked the end of my twenty-something lust for Hollywood actresses.

I've never really been an admirer of most Hollywood actors, either. Let's face it, when the Golden Age of Hollywood ended, we lost most of the best talent that this town ever offered. I was born too late to enjoy most of them except through TV reruns, and I've always somewhat resented that. That said, it's rare when I come across an actor who has qualities that I actually appreciate.

One such actor is Mel Gibson. First, though, the caveat. Much of what Mel has done in Hollywood I would never watch, even with powerful tranquilizers. However, the work he's done that I have watched, I generally enjoy. His performance in "Signs," for example, was fine work. Similarly, I thoroughly enjoyed his Hamlet, even though it took me nearly half the movie to get into the Elizabethan language.

Most of what I admire about Mel, however, is his personal integrity. He knows (and freely admits) that he's probably not the greatest actor in the world, and many of his movies are of questionable quality and taste. But he also has become a powerful voice for standing up for one's convictions in a world where such stances are becoming increasingly anachronistic.

He recently came out in opposition to California's Proposition 71 which would clear the way for embryonic stem cell research. He based his opposition largely on his Catholic beliefs, citing "unethical" research methods. He's calling Arnold to task for supporting it, and is patiently waiting for a call from the Governator to discuss the issue. Any man who would make a movie about the Savior, flying in the face of convention, and then backs up his beliefs regarding such a controversial issue deserves (and has received) my respect.

Which brings me to Kennedy. (See? Told you this would sound disjointed. Sit tight.)

Yesterday, Caroline Kennedy Schlossenguggenheimer, or whatever her married name is, took Bush to task for "invoking her father's name" in his campaigning. Which meant, of course, that John F. Wannabeakennedysomuchitreallyhurts Kerry is more than free to do so.

Except.

Kerry used his idol's worst possible political fiasco to compare to Bush in a stretch that Las Vegas would never have put odds against. Even Jimmy the Greek would never have touched it. Well, maybe the Greek would have. One never knew with Jimmy.

Still, the idea that Bush's performance in Iraq in any way compares to Kennedy's fiasco with the Bay of Pigs is ludicrous, at best. Cap'n Ed has the goods here.

The point is that Kerry is guided by a religion that is, in his mind, far more powerful than the Catholic one he professes to follow. This is the religion of politics, and it has become Kerry's god. It is the golden idol that he worships, at the expense of all other considerations. It represents, I think, the ultimate insult to religious worship to stand in a church - any church - on a Sunday when our thoughts should be turned to the Savior, to hear instead the political rantings of a neotheistic man who wishes we would ignore the Good News long enough to get him elected.

In the religion of politics, one always uses history taken out of context to define an opponent's behavior. In Kerry's heart, the idea that the Bay of Pigs was a complete disaster, while the war in Iraq has largely succeeded in its goals is meaningless. It is fodder, to be used as he sees fit. If denigrating what the troops have fought hard to achieve will get him elected, then so be it. He can always apologize later, and tell them he really had their best interests at heart.

An actor who is not afraid to vote his religious beliefs, and the politician who wishes his religion would shut up about his political "ethics." Which one should I agree with?

Come to think of it, I once voted for an actor who followed his religious convictions. I'm still glad I did.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Mrs. Woody's Wimpy Chili

or, What to Do Until You Grow Another Gall Bladder

In the Woody household, we've been making our own chili for years. It began when we started our food storage program. We had some room in the garage. Rather than clutter it up with a car, we decided to buy some bulk foods, can them, and store them where we might otherwise have parked our car. Later, about a year before we ended up selling the townhouse, I built shelves to store the food because, darn it, we wanted to park a car in there.

One of our stored food items was pinto beans. Lots of pinto beans. Enough pinto beans, I would estimate, to feed roughly two thousand generations of weevils. That's a lot of beans. Of course, once you've begun to store this food, you also have to make plans to "rotate" it. Rotation is the act of consuming the food so you can buy more to replace it and always have it on hand. I blame the burgeoning Food Storage industry lawyers for cooking up this scheme.

One obvious use for pinto beans - in fact, the only use we've discovered so far - is chili. The trouble is our wimpy Woody palates. Mrs. Woody is allergic to onions and not a huge fan of fresh garlic. As for me, I'm so out of practice after more than eight years of wanting a goodnight kiss, that onions really don't help me much. Also I'm missing all of my officially expendable organs now. Those come in really handy when you're eating spicy food. So, we cheat a lot.

Fortunately, if we can't use fresh onion and garlic in our food, we can and do use powders. About five years ago now, Mrs. Woody perfected our Mrs. Woody's Wimpy Chili recipe. We soak our own beans, toss in some ground meat, tomatoes, and all the spices we can handle. It's been a big hit among some of our friends and family. They always ask us for the recipe. The trouble is, we've never written it down.

Really. Mrs. Woody began this recipe as a grand experiment. We had no idea how it would come out, and every pot is virtually a surprise. Also, instead of using ground beef (too fatty!), we typically use ground turkey. This surprises folks who sample our chili because they can't really tell the difference. We happened to use ground beef tonight. I didn't get that much of a taste difference out of it. Go figure.

Today one of Mrs. Woody's friends stopped by to deliver clothes. Some day I'll post about our Underground Clothes Connection. Anyway, she smelled the chili cooking in the kitchen and asked my wife for the recipe. "I'd love to," she said, "but I've never written it down!"

It's really something to watch, especially when we cook it together. The basic recipe really isn't all that complicated. Six cups of dried beans are soaked overnight in water and two tablespoons of baking soda (helps with the, um, methane problems later on). After the beans have cooked and are tender, Mrs. Woody takes about four cups out to be made into refried beans later. We cook up one and half to two pounds of ground meat and stir it in. Two cans of diced tomatoes come next. Then the spices. When I'm helping, Mrs. Woody and I stand in front of the pot shaking and squeezing various spices into the mix. Our kids generally stay in their room.

This is the part we can't write down. Every time we come up with a successful blend, we can't for the life of us remember exactly how much we used. For one thing, when using our powders, we just shake 'em right out of the bottle rather than use measuring spoons. Also, mustard plays a prominent role in our chili. How do you write down "one good squeeze of mustard, to taste" and have it make sense?

For what it's worth, here are the spices we use in no particular order. If you can get them to taste good, terrific. Write it down and consider yourself published:

Yellow Mustard. I prefer the squeeze bottle variety myself.
Salt
Pepper, occasionally
Onion powder
Onion salt
Garlic powder. We use something called "California Blend" ("NO MSG!") from Ralphs.
Chili powder.

To taste.

From our kitchen to yours. Enjoy. I know I will.

A Real Promotion!

Wow. Don't blink in the Blogosphere, or you miss stuff. Way Off Bass not only sports a new look (sharp!) but has promoted Yours Truly to his Hourly blog roll. Thanks!

Just one question, Bro: "oongowa?"

Vampires!

Being close to Halloween, I visited the vampires the other day. It's been awhile and I had some extra blood that was just laying around looking bored, so I gave it something to do. Years ago, this would never have happened without heavy sedation.

I strongly suspect that, as a child, I suffered from trypanophobia. This is the fear of injections, and it ranked number one on my hit parade of things I would much rather have someone else suffer through. This is why I could never become a drug addict back when it was cool to be a drug addict. Once I found out that aside from one or two things you can just smoke, there were also things you could inject directly into your veins, that cured me of any potential drug addictions long before "intervention" ever entered our vernacular. Not counting Pepsi, I mean. Pepsi required intervention.

Then I served my mission for the Church. As I have mentioned before, I happen to be LDS. LDS young men and women serve missions for up to two years in various parts of the world. I served in Guatemala. Guatemala is considered by many to be a "third-world" country, on par with, oh, Tonga, Rwanda, and Berkeley. It is also where my Pepsi addiction began, but that's another story. In third-world countries, medical care is (or was, twenty five years ago) interesting. It could be difficult finding a doctor that spoke either English, or very slow Spanish.

It was in Guatemala that I developed walking pneumonia. I probably wrote home that this was just a bad case of bronchitis so as not to worry my mother. I used to get bronchitis every year. It also sounds better than pneumonia. In any case, I needed to see a doctor, which meant brushing off my atrophied Spanish skills. I was working with one of the local Mayan tribes, and Spanish was not their long suit. Having been x-rayed, the doctor explained to me that I needed penicillin. No problem, I thought. Been there, done that. I asked where I could get the pills and the doctor stared at me. "Pills?" he asked. "No, no. We don't get pills down here. You need injections." The Spanish word for injections is close enough to the English that I didn't need my dictionary.

To make a long story short, not only did I need ten daily injections, but my junior companion got to give them to me. Junior companions would pay real money to have this opportunity to inflict pain on their senior comps, and I would have been no different. Being on the receiving end was not something to which I looked forward.

To reassure me, on my companion's first attempt he started the javelin thrower's warm-up wherein you jerk the needle up and down over the target before finally letting go. The problem was, he didn't let go. The needle went in ("ouch!"), the needle went out ("oops!"), the needle went back in ("OUCH!"). It was the hokey-pokey of injections. My companion thought this was great fun. I was mentally calculating how much time I would have to serve in a Guatemalan prison before I could pay my intended debt to society.

The follow up to this story is that we were getting our mail just a few days later. My companion was still giving me the injections, but I was getting used to them by now. At the post office ("Any mail, Francisco?" "No, but your mother's cookies were delicious!" "Thanks, Francisco.") we met a Peace Corps nurse who was working her way down to El Salvador. Being a nurse AND a certified gringo we struck up a conversation about my injections and told her about my companion's first attempt. She laughed herself into a mild choke and managed to sputter that in so doing, my companion had "contaminated the field." Ha, ha, I thought. That Guatemalan prison was looking better with each passing minute.

Well, that experience cured me of any perceived trypanophobia. Over the years I've been injected in various regions for various reasons, a few of which would make most guys wince in agony just thinking about it. I'm not saying I'm a big fan of the needle, but I can handle it now. Which is why I was visiting the vampires the other day.

The "vampires" are, of course, the friendly American Red Cross volunteers who work blood drives throughout the world. I've been on the receiving end of their services, and I'm grateful they were there. I've not been a consistent donor over the years, but I always feel good when I do. I always feel like I'm making a real contribution to society, as opposed to this incredibly self-serving blog stuff I write.

The Red Cross gave me a donor's card last year, and it says "Type O Hero" right on it. Given my history with needles, I feel a little like a hero.

Please donate. Call 1-800-GIVELIFE to find out where and how.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Political Mobsters

"Just put that vote in my husband's column, and no one gets hurt."

Chilling words from a crazed lunatic? Perhaps. But that's what this world has come to.

Apparently the campaign office break-ins and vandalism coupled with threats of voter intimidation just weren't doing it for the would-be Veep's wife. Sensing somehow that her dream of becoming First Lady-in-Waiting was slipping away, she resorts to a desperate ploy to win votes: Vote for us and we'll leave the baseball bats and Molotov cocktails at home.

How refreshing! A politician who finally speaks her mind.

Hat tip: Drudge

Blogroll Growth

Reciprocal linking lives! It appears I've been added to Opinion8's blogroll (Patton having left a comment or two here), and I'm more than happy to return the favor. He does have a way of cutting to the chase, which I'm certain just aggravates the Moonbats no end.

Thanks, Patton, and welcome!

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Another Child Scarred

Drudge links to a disturbing story out of Macon, Georgia.

Having already taken CBS to task for their ad hominem attacks characterizing all home schoolers as child abusers, it's altogether too easy to fall into the same trap and accuse all public schools of scarring children for life.

In this case, most of the abuse was actually heaped on a parent, but allegedly the child and 18 of her classmates witnessed the horrific beating.

Given the sketchy details, and assuming the reports of the severity of the incident to be true, there can be no excuse for this behavior. The teacher sits in jail, while the mother of the student recovers in the hospital. And the student? Well, one can only guess that since she screamed for her teacher to cease and was then herself made a target of the violence, the child will be scarred for some time to come.

Principal Karen Konke sent letters to parents about the incident.

"Let me assure you the school is safe and that our students have been involved in appropriate instructional activities throughout the day," Konke wrote.

Well, yeah, except for that little free-for-all in one of our classes. But don't let that worry you! Business as usual! We have things well in hand!

Sorry. If my child brought home a letter like that, and I read this same story in the local news, my child would not be returning to that school any time in the future. Period.

I freely admit that I have no answers to this dilemma. No, I lie. I do have an answer that meets my own needs (and, by extension, those of my family). My children will not be subjected to public school. I will not take a chance that some seemingly responsible adult will have one of those days, and take it out on one of my sweet daughters. I refuse to allow them to be indoctrinated with the humanist arrogance of the system.

My children will continue to pledge allegiance to a flag belonging to a nation under God. They will not only pray in school, but will memorize scriptures. They will understand that Darwin was a clever man, but was only right to a point. They will learn that respect is more important than attitude.

And they will likely teach me those same things.

We pray for the child and her mother. We even pray for the teacher, whether she wants us to or not.

With Friends Like These...

British fish wrap, The Guardian. Single most persuasive argument against the One World Order.

Seen numerous places, but credit Power Line for this one.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Cam Is Back!

Cam returns to the 'Sphere after a thankfully brief malaise. In the process he extols the virtues of our friend Gerard at American Digest, then churns out a complete fisking of some Bad Poet's bad poetry. Hmm... following the link...

Ah. Of course. A Cal Stater. Long Beach, no less. 'Nuff said.

Welcome back, Bro! Missed ya!

Our Country 'Tis of Us

From the boys at Power Line comes this nugget:

One of the perceived benefits of being a sovereign nation is that we can do things the way we like. On this side of our borders, theoretically, we establish our own laws, enforce them, and participate in our representative government by voting. This is the beauty of a republic.

Occasionally we do things that our neighbors in the world do not appreciate. I can certainly understand this, because occasionally our neighbors do things that I'd much rather they didn't. Of course, being a freedom-loving people, this also means that we can both express (and receive) opinions regarding just about any topic you'd care to name. This can be incredibly annoying at times, but it is (we argue) a right ordained of natural law. We expressed this opinion to King George, oh, a couple hundred years ago. He expressed his disagreement, and we showed his redcoats the way home.

Earlier this month, one of our neighbors thought we could use some neighborly advice. We have become international bullies in their eyes, and our leaders are reprehensible monsters. They would like for us to elect John Kerry. Somehow, this will fix everything. We will no longer be bullies, and our esteem in the world will soar.

To this end, the British newspaper "The Guardian" encouraged its readers to send letters to Clark County, Ohio. Clark County was chosen because it had a high number of "undecided" voters, and the helpful Brits wanted to tell them how Great Britain would love for them to vote.

One problem: It won't work.

Whatever perceived benefit these helpful neighbors thought to bring, dissipated letter by letter. These so-called "undecided" voters have firmly decided one thing and one thing only: They don't want your advice. Period.

Oh, sure, you'll find a few Democrats who think it's a wonderful idea. These are the same people who feel the need to apologize profusely to Iraq for getting rid of Saddam for them and killing their innocent citizens. I haven't yet seen posters saying how stupid we were for having people in the World Trade Center when the planes hit, but I'm sure they're coming.

But the rest of Clark County would really rather the Brits kept their helpful advice to themselves. Thanks for the thoughts, folks, but we're fine over here. Really. We can decide this one for ourselves.

The Brits are likely to sniff and express their regrets that we refuse to see the light. Fine. We see a light, but it's a much brighter light than the Brits (at least, the letter-writing variety) are ever likely to see. It's the same light that persuaded us to secede from the mother country in the first place. It's the same light that enabled us to rebuild our nation after the bloodiest war in our history. It's the same light that has helped us realize where the real fight is, and take it to them. Terrorists. Not "insurgents;" not "dissidents;" but terrorists. The same ones that are just as capable of destroying Big Ben as they did the WTC.

Let's match lights, neighbor, then you can tell us how to vote.

Long live the Queen.

Feeling Smart Today

Ok, I had to do it. I actually forced myself to take one of those cheesy IQ tests that are relentlessly advertised on numerous commercial web sites. Shame on me. In my defense, it was a slow afternoon and I was waiting for one of my DB processes to crawl to completion.

I have avoided this for years. This is mostly because of my lifelong fear of the "P" word. You know, "potential." The word parents use when trying to understand how on earth such an intelligent kid can fail to find a simple thing like a classroom for weeks on end.

Toward the end of my dubious high school career I remember taking a battery of tests, some of which were ostensibly to provide us near-graduates with "career guidance." I can't tell you how many of those tests I took over the course of my schooling, only to have the computer spit out that I was best suited for "Physical Therapist." Huh? Didn't I say on those tests that I hate people? Didn't I indicate that I hate exercise even more? How does that make me a good Physical Therapist (these careers were always capitalized)? I strongly suspect that the Dilbert Principle, wherein morons are promoted to remove them from the productive flow, began with those tests.

At some point, in discussion with a Guidance Counselor, I was shown my then-IQ score. I believe it was 122. This, according to at least one web site, would have classified me with: School Teachers; Pharmacists; Accountants; Nurses; Stenographers; or Managers. No sign of Physical Therapy, hm?

The funny thing is, even when I was doing my level best to ruin my academic career, I knew deep down that I was smart. I also knew that I was scared to death to be smart. Smart people are supposed to be ambitious, after all; to live up to their potential. This was anaethema to an under-achiever like me.

Now the years roll by, and I have long since understood that smart people get paid more. Ironically, marginally intelligent people with college degrees get paid even more, and smart but less educated people can often be left in the dust, career-wise. I try, every once in a great while, to regenerate my college education, but once you enter the real world it has a funny way of impeding progress. Gotta push myself.

So, today, I took said cheesy test. You know the kind... "A is to B as C is to...?" "Which of these things does not belong with the others? (Sesame Street IQ tests?? Oy.)"

There were, oh, 25 or so questions like that. After the test, you get a nice little summary like this:

The Classic IQ Test
What's Your IQ?
Congratulations, Woody!
Your IQ score is 131
This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.

Really? "Insightful Linguist?" Wow. That explains a lot.

(By the way, the full 15 page report using actual quotes from actual experts would have cost me $20 a month, plus all the annoying advertising I can handle. No thanks.)

Then I wondered where, on someone's chart, that would put me career-wise. Turns out I now compare with: Physicians and Surgeons; Lawyers; and Engineers (Civil and Mechanical).

Nice cheesy test. Wonder if I can leverage a raise with it? After all, according to this chart, at least, I am smarter than my manager.

UPDATE: Ok. Smart as I am, I am still capable of bad spelling. "Insightful Linguist" was, until just now, "Insightful Linquist." I have no idea what a Linquist is, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't on the list.

Today's Money Quote

Lileks comes through again. He offers yet another take on the "Laura Bush Had a Job?" gaffe by Teresa Heinz Ketchup.

Aside from the well-crafted response regarding parenting as a job, I sincerely hope the First Couple get a chuckle out of this fantasy bedroom quote:

Do [Democrats] actually fantasize that she stays up late reading subversive literature?

“What’re you reading, Laur.”

“Oh, the Vagina Monologues.”

“Don’t bother. We’re gonna win Vagina and West Vagina this year ZZZZZZ.”

That, to me, is funny. Even the President realizes that he's a little out-classed by the English language.

I wonder, though, how the West Vaginians will take it?

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Not Funny, Dave...

*Link may require registration

Dave Barry has announced his intention to step away from the Herald for awhile. I wish I could say I was making this up.

Being as conservative as I am, Barry and I sometimes don't agree. But when he writes about something I can appreciate (nearly anything but beer, in my case) I almost always come away with more than a few belly laughs.

I wish Dave well on his semi-retirement, but will be one of those hoping it doesn't last long. Look for Dave to begin his Farewell Tour with Cher by June of next year.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

'Nother Commie Show Trial

The Commissar places women on trial now (in the rhetorical sense, of course). Da, Komrade. Put them back in the kitchens where they belong. Pregnant and plotting your overthrow!

With deepest free market wishes,

Capitalist Pig Woody

Crack That Vote!

In the pantheon of Stupid Election Stories, this one ranks pretty high on the Stupidometer.

Background: A woman in Toledo recruits a young man to get people registered to vote, and pays him with cocaine. Thus, people like Mary Poppins, Jeffery Dahmer, and Janet Jackson show up on the rolls in a county where none of them (except, maybe, Ms. Poppins) are known to live.

This kind of shenanigan belongs in a TV movie, not in American politics.

No matter how often we've seen this sort of thing in the past, it is very evident that stupid people continue to think they can influence the system for good or bad by doing stupid things. I've already seen two spins on this affair:

1. Democrats are so desperate to win this election that they'll stoop to paying people with cocaine to register people to vote. The assumption being that only crack-heads would vote for Kerry/Edwards in the first place.

2. This is yet another Republican dirty trick (Karl Rove, of course, has unlimited access to cocaine supplies via his good buddies in Colombia) designed to smear Democrats and discredit their campaign. By this same logic they also vandalize their own signs, storm and rob their own campaign offices, and burn swastikas on their own lawns.

My spin: Just another example of stupid people doing stupid things for stupid reasons.

I don't, of course, know the woman who allegedly hired Mr. Staton. It's tempting, though, to imagine a crack-head being given the opportunity to support her habit by coordinating a get-the-vote drive. Since she's making good, why not use that to her advantage? Get a few fellow crackers to help her out, pay them with some of her bounty -- what could go wrong?

It's a fanciful story. On the other hand, I absolutely refuse to chalk this up to one campaign's bag of tricks, or any of their special interest groups. Even my esteemed opponents would understand that they have the entire election to lose.

I'm not saying it's impossible. Just improbable. It was obviously a slow news day, guys. Color me disinterested.

UPDATE: Of course, having said all of this... there was that little problem with a break-in at the DNC headquarters in 1972... Little building called "The Watergate." Hmmm...