Chariots of the Insects

Sometimes it's just weird where memories come from or why they infest our brains. Take, for example, two movies that my brain suddenly became desperately interested in remembering more than thirty five years after I'd seen them.

The year was 1971, and I was very nearly a teenager. It was, in fact, the summer before my 13th birthday if I'm not mistaken. In those days we weren't too hung up about sending our youngsters alone to the theater, and our lone walk-in theater in town was less than a mile from the house. This meant that I alternately walked or cajoled Mom into taking me. Then, for a buck-fifty we got a double feature, and another seventy-five cents got you popcorn.

For purposes of this narrative, I should point out that my mother was and is a voracious reader. She went through phases in her reading, though. One year it was romances, for example. Another year she went all Margaret Mead on us and started buying or checking out books like "Ishi: The Last of His Tribe." She became absolutely fascinated by tribes or races of people that no longer existed. But her most fascinating period for me was the "faux science or explorer" genre of books that were becoming ubiquitous in the late 60's and early 70's. Not to say that there weren't some legitimate scientists or explorers among them. Thor Heyerdahl, for example, had become famous for demonstrating that ancient peoples could very well have navigated across the vast Pacific ocean in boats manufactured entirely of reeds. Mom snapped up all of his books. However, for every legitimate author Mom patronized, there were plenty of supermarket pulp paperbacks to balance them out.

I remember Mom picking up a copy of Erich von Daniken's "Chariots of the Gods," and I decided to read it. I think it was primarily because we Latter-day Saints are fascinated with the whole premise of the Book of Mormon and its depiction of life in ancient America, and von Daniken devoted many chapters to those ancient cultures as part of his "research." It was pretty heady stuff for a young post-Star-Trekian male such as myself.

So you'll understand that, as soon as the movie by the same name was released, I was keen to see it. Back in those days movies would hit the theaters and hang around for absolutely months before disappearing into the void of TV "Movie of the Week" features. So it's not surprising that I didn't get around to seeing "Chariots of the Gods" until nearly a year after it first came out. By that time, it was being paired with a relatively newer film called "The Hellstrom Chronicle," and I decided to see them both.

"The Hellstrom Chronicle" was another faux documentary that was supposed to sound like a scientific treatise on the survivability of insects compared with mankind in a post-apocolyptic world. What it was, really, was a science fiction thriller designed to creep 13 year old boys out by making their skin crawl even faster than the insects were crawling. At least, that's the effect it had on me.

"Chariots" was first in the lineup that day, as I recall. I remember happily chowing down on popcorn during the movie and loving all the footage of ancient artwork that von Daniken kept trying to compare with astronauts or alien beings. The movie was every bit as entertaining as the book, although it may be indirectly responsible for the propogation of every nut-job UFO conspiracist and ET truther that we have out there today. Didn't quite convince me, but I was there for the entertainment value more than anything else.

Then came "Hellstrom." Now, for sheer cinematography, "Hellstrom" was hard to beat. The cameras did a nearly miraculous job of getting up close and personal with several species of insects that I never knew existed and have spent the past 38 years trying to forget. But that's the problem: It's a film I desperately needed to forget. The basic premise was, quite simply, that the earth would devolve back into some sort of tropical rainforest kind of planet (Al Gore had nothing on these people) and that it would be a race for survival between Man and Insects. And Insects (all of which were magnified to the size of industrial construction equipment) would win. (This is where I learned for the first time that cockroaches are pretty much indestructible. Thanks for that, guys.) I can also tell you that, even 38 years later, just thinking about this film can make my skin crawl. Now imagine spending an entire movie that way, and you'll understand why I resolved as a 13 year old boy never to think of that film again.

So why is it, 38 years later, that my brain suddenly, at 1:00 in the stinkin' A.M., decided it needed to remember the name of that film that played as a double-header with "Chariots of the Gods" (a film I don't really mind remembering) just so I could experience that skin-crawling sensation once again? There is no logical or even illogical reason that I can think of, except that it's one of those useless chores in which the brain engages from time to time, like trying to comprehend Congress, or staying awake in staff meeting.

Oh, well. One good thing has come out of this reminiscence. I'm tired enough now to go to bed and get some decent sleep. Assuming I can get these locusts the size of Mack trucks out of my head.

The Not-So-Cranky Reviewer Reviews a Film

So I don't normally write movie reviews. This is primarily because I'm not a true student of the genre. I do not know all the ins and outs of filmmaking, nor do I really care to. I much prefer to be a consumer, and any review I write needs to begin with that caveat.

That said, we just watched the latest LDS film to hit the big screen: "Passage to Zarahemla." It was, in fact, a free preview offered up by the writer and director of the film, Chris Heimerdinger. Chris himself hosted the event this evening, and he presented himself as a fairly affable guy. We'd gotten there quite early since we can't ever accurately predict traffic in this town, so we had a chance to chat with him informally while we waited for more guests to show up. I've enjoyed Chris's "Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites" series of novels, and after meeting the man in person I decided I wanted this film to do well.

So. The film.

"Passage" is a good yarn, if you enjoy any of Heimerdinger's books. He freely admits that the primary difference between this story and his "Tennis Shoes" series is that it relies on inter-dimensional travel between time periods, rather than a portal in a cave. Otherwise, he's on familiar ground here. The story revolves around a young teen who'd had what she thought was an imaginary friend as a child. In the story she finds that not only is he real, but his existence may hold the key to the disappearance of her father several years before.

The back story is built around the conflict between the Nephites of Zarahemla as they defended themselves from the Gadianton bands in the years encompassing the mortal life of the Savior. In fact, the inter-dimensional "rift" brings ancient Zarahemla and modern-day Utah into dangerous proximity.

There are plenty of scary Gadiantons, Los Angeles gangstas, and youngsters running away from it all to keep the drama of the story in the forefront. The role of Kerra is played admirably by newcomer Summer Naomi. She holds the threads of the plot together in a way that keeps it from going over the top. Going over the top is something this film wants to do — frequently — but always manages to bring itself back down to a more believable level.

Heimerdinger tosses in plenty of chuckles and Mormon insider references and jokes along the way. I'd once read criticism levelled at LDS filmmakers for doing precisely that; instilling their movies with references that only Mormon audiences would appreciate, thus alienating potentially larger films. My response to that criticism (I haven't actually heard it in reference to this particular film, but it was used against "God's Army" and "Brigham City." A lot.) is that Mormon audiences need more entertainment that target their own life experiences. Heimerdinger himself stated — correctly, I believe — that Southern California LDS audiences in particular haven't had an LDS film play here since Work and the Glory 3. He also stated that, over the years, the "shine is off the apple" in LDS cinema, and the quality of films of the past few years has been declining. I find this observation to be mostly true. From my perspective as an admittedly older LDS consumer, too many recent LDS offerings have had a nearly moronic "MTV" flavor to them. Just not my cup of, well, Postum I guess.

Chris's tale appeals to the adventurer in me. This is why I enjoy being a consumer rather than a critic. I lost myself in "Passage" this evening, and was happy to do so. I've been equally happy to lose myself in the "Tennis Shoes" tales over the past few years. Mrs. Woody and I love to listen to them on CD in the car on long trips. Unfortunately, we haven't taken that many long trips since Mrs. Woody's illness last summer. We were just remarking that we'll need to listen to them at night after the kids go to bed. They're still stuck on volume 1.

If you like a decent adventure yarn, go see "Passage." Keep an eye on the younger kids (my younger Woodyette had her face buried for, she estimates, "50%" of the film), but by all means take the family. We're already looking forward to getting the DVD when it comes out, perhaps as early as May.

One side note: Since this was a preview and Chris was on hand, my 'tweenie daughter really, really wanted to get his autograph. He was, of course, more than happy to oblige. We also bought a copy of the CD that has songs from the film (not really a "soundtrack," says Chris, but he wrote 9 songs and performs on most of them for the film), and he was happy to autograph that as well. Also appearing at the preview tonight was one Alex Petrovich, who played one of the heavies in the film. He was accompanied by his fetching young girlfriend who wanted a photo of my 'tweenie asking Alex for his autograph. So she actually got two autographs that way, and shared one with her younger sister. What a kid.

"Passage" runs for 105 minutes, but I felt they were minutes well spent with my loved ones tonight.

For what it's worth.