I think I have an idea of how we can turn racism to our mutual advantage. Work with me here:
Racism is Obama's only hope in this election. If he can somehow convince enough people that all Republicans are inherently racist, he stands a shot at actually winning the election. It's clear he'd never make it on policy alone, so his campaign has to play the race card. They thus enable the "victim" status that becomes so critical in the liberal mindset and catapults them into the voting booth.
It never seems to faze the race-carders that Republicans come in all shapes, sizes, colors, orientations, and what have you. Republicans are always guilty by association and that's just the way it works in this country today. And Democrats always lay claim to absolute moral authority where race issues are concerned. Republicans, it seems, are the only people in the United States who are not allowed to be victims. This was especially true when Clinton was in the Oval Office.
[Discussion question: Who was running the country while Clinton was having his little trysts? Was there a "knock-three-times-wait-30-seconds" rule? What happens in case of a nuclear attack? Just wondering.]
Anyway, I believe we can create a socially acceptable form of racism that I, for one, would be proud to be associated with. It involves the creation of a new special interest group in this country, and, hey, if you follow our history back a few years you know there's always room for one more special interest group.
Let's make politicians a race unto themselves.
Seriously. We can even put it on those welfare forms where they're not technically allowed to ask what race you are but always do so politicians can show how much support (read: money) they're giving to minorities. Right under "Caucasian," "Amerasian," "African American," or "Native American" we can now put "Politician."
This opens up a whole vista of opportunities for politicians to pursue their favorite hot-button issues (as victims), while allowing us the luxury of being racist because we all (those of us with functioning brain stems, anyway) hate politicians.
True story: When Mrs. Woody was pregnant we had decided we really didn't want to know the babies' genders before they were born. We were in the "let's be pleasantly surprised" camp. We picked out names for boys AND girls both times. The girls even cooperated with us in utero. They both modestly withheld their genders when under the gaze of the sonogram. One of them even crossed her legs just to make sure. One technician told us, pointing to some obscure pixelated image on the screen, "See that? I'm gonna say 75% certain that's a boy." Hah. Anyway, the point of this story is that whenever people asked me what we wanted, a boy or a girl, I always answered, truthfully, that I didn't care. So long as it wasn't a politician.
So that's my proposal. Once we declare "politician" to be a race, I will freely admit to being a racist, with all the rights and privileges appertaining thereunto. Obama then wouldn't be lying when he calls me one.
It's worth a shot.
WINTER OLYMPICS UPDATE FROM 1998
1 hour ago