Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Short Fused

To: Honorable United States of America
Re: Helicopter Batteries

Thank you so much for your recent shipment of helicopter batteries. We noticed that a few of them didn't seem to be of the same type that we normally receive. We understand that you know your helicopters better than we do, but would you check for us to make sure we got the right ones? We would appreciate that very much.

Sincerely yours,


To: Taiwan
Re: Helicopter Batteries

Our technicians assure us that we shipped batteries of the right type for your model. Let us know if this becomes any sort of problem and we will work to resolve any outstanding issues.


United States of America

To: United States
Re: Batteries

We apologize for the delay in getting back to you on this issue. We worked through our stock of batteries until we came down to the last four. For some reason, they didn't seem to fit in their proper place. Our mechanics went through your manuals step by step, but of course there may be some language difficulties. They don't seem to translate well into Chinese. The part nomenclature says "FUSE" on it, instead of "BATTERY" as the manual suggests. We are probably not reading things correctly. Perhaps you could send an advisor to help us?



To: Air Force
From: State
Re: Fuses, Not Batteries?

Okay, guys, why is Taiwan writing to us about helicopter batteries labelled "FUSE" instead of "BATTERY?" Is this another one of those jokes that's gonna blow up in our faces, like when you marked those missile launchers "TOASTER?" Let's get some facts together and put a report on the Secretary of State's desk by Monday next.

To: The Honorable Secretary of State
From: The Honorable Secretary of the Air Force
Re: Mistaken Shipment to Taiwan


Darned if I know how it happened. (How do these things ever happen, right?) We appear to have shipped four (4) nuclear missile fuses to Taiwan a year and a half ago or so. No radioactive stuff in 'em, so far as we know. (You know engineers... never tell you anything straight out. Makes you wanna waterboard 'em all!) Anyway, they still think they're trying to install bad batteries in their Hueys. Can we sweep this under the rug somehow? Hate to see this one go viral on the internet, y'know?



P.S. Let's do lunch next week. Your turn to treat. - MW

From: SoS
Re: Trouble

Mr. President, the wing-wipers messed up again, and we have four missile fuses over in Taiwan with no missiles to put them in. We need to get them back before the Chinese understand what they have over there. Any suggestions?


To: Rice
From: CiC

Hey, no problemo, Condi. Just use the Dell model. Can't go wrong with a Texas solution, right?



To: Michael Wynne
From: Secretary of State
Re: Operation "Halfbaked Hueys"

President authorizes execution of Dell Global Solution. Execute is Charlie, Echo, Tango. Repeat: Execute is Charlie, Echo, Tango.

P.S. Lunch is no joy. Got Reuters snooping around. Take care of it. -C

To: Taiwanese Government
From: Dell Customer Service (on behalf of the United States of America)
Re: Mistaken Battery Shipment

Dear Taiwan,

Customer service is our number one goal. If you're not happy, neither are we! We understand that your shipment of:
36 Batteries, Huey-type

may have had some irregularities. We would ask you to return the defective merchandise using the return labels included with this letter. If you have any questions, please contact our 24 hour Customer Service hotline. Be sure to speak slowly as they have some slight trouble understanding English.

Thanks again for your order!

Sometimes, truth really is stranger than fiction.

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