News You'll Never See

This is not out of the question:

DISASSOCIATIVE PRESS
Nashville, TN

Al Gore today angrily lashed out at what he termed a "Republican dirty trick" to demonstrate a full year's worth of global cooling according to at least four different sources. "President Bush is clearly trying to discredit my Nobel-winning work in preparation for the November election," he told a crowd of three supporters outside his carbon-neutral mansion. "NASA I can understand, since they constantly need more budget," Gore was reported to say. "But how he managed to get Hadley Climate Research, Remote Sensing Systems, and the University of Alabama in his pocket is beyond me."

The former vice president was reported to be waving his Oscar statuette throughout the interview.

Mr. Gore was reportedly reacting to news of a climate conference being held in New York. "They're taking the name of the Goracle in vain, and I simply won't stand for it!" At this point Mr. Gore nearly sideswiped Tipper, who had evidently forgotten just how large her husband's carbon footprint had gotten in recent years and was standing too close. "I will fight back, and I will sell the global warming crisis to the highest bi... to anyone who will listen!" he ranted.

Gore is now threatening to convene a new, more powerful panel to discuss rationally and scientifically just how correct Gore's views are. "This panel will consist of some of the most carbon-correct celebrities I've come to know and love in Hollywood. Michael Moore, Barbra Streisand, and even Alec Baldwin, if he'll agree not to punch anyone, just to name a few." Mr. Gore then declared, "If that doesn't convince those clueless conservatives, nothing will!"

All this by way of sympathizing with my mother, who reported three inches or more of snow on the ground in northern Texas yesterday. Bundle up, Ma! Looks like a few more weeks of winter, yet!