#278 - Benedict Would Be So Proud

Tensions are high in this country. It has been said that the country hasn't been this divided since the days of the Civil War. Indeed, I speak today of a crime that should offend the sensibilities of all who consider themselves to be loyal to this country. Patriots should publish tales of this crime in the highest courts of justice, and denounce the perpetrators in the halls of Congress. The Chief Executive of the nation should demand that punishment be swift and terrible; a warning to those who would also provide aid and comfort to the enemy.

Treason, you say? Absolutely. Those responsible are well deserving of the epithet "traitor." They have openly despised the country to which they owe their allegiance. They have endangered our democratic way of life, and may even have placed lives in jeopardy.

The criminal?

Albertson's.

The crime?

Giving in to the marketing Nazis who decided that Americans would be satisfied with half gallons of ice cream that are not true half gallons.

It started with the big name labels. Dreyer's. Breyers. Haagen Daaz. Over the last several years they have gone from true half-gallon sizes to a container that holds (prepare to be enraged) one cup shy of a true half gallon! And what are we paying for this privilege? Surely you can guess. More than we paid for a full two quarts! Unless they're on sale.

I had for some time taken comfort in the thought that the grocery stores were holding out. Even though the name brands had long since gone to this new marketing nightmare, the store brands remained at the good ol' American half gallon size. The container itself was comforting; akin to scoring a round number in bowling (preferably 300), or having round numbers in your bank account (preferably $5 million). Having a half gallon in the freezer meant being able to say, "You want some ice cream? Well, I've got a half gallon in the freezer." Now what do I tell my guest? "Ice cream? Sure. I think I've got a one and three-quarters of a quart container in the freezer."

I don't think so.

It also means I can never again satisfy my wife when I go shopping. "Be sure to get a half gallon of ice cream, Honey," she'll say. But can I deliver? I can not. "Sorry, Honey, I could only find those wimpy faux half gallons that are really one cup shy of the mark."

I'm sorry, but this is tantamount to the old communist plot to convert everything in this country to the metric system. Young readers will not remember this farce. We were suddenly required to remember what a "kilometer" was (not as long as a mile, I can tell you). Fortunately, we got smart after about five years of a half-hearted effort to be more like Canada. I mean, think about it:

Half Gallon

• Sounds American


• More bang for the buck


• Conservative

1.75 Quarts

• Sounds Canadian


• More buck for the bang


• Probably Communist

I of course recommend that the Attorney General immediately begin an investigation. Probably Congress should get Albertson's executives in closed session and ask about price gouging. And none of this namby-pamby "whatever the market will bear" nonsense that we let the oil execs claim, either. This has nothing to do with economics. This is a declared war against traditional American values.

Now, before I get lots of bleeding-heart comments telling me how insensitive I am to the environment, or whatever, let me remind you of one thing:

I don't care. I want my half gallon back.

Now.