Al Qaeda in Iraq have appointed a new leader to replace retiring leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, it was announced by al-Jazeera yesterday. To make for a smooth transition and avoid a possible leadership vacuum, Al Qaeda yesterday turned to U. S. Democratic Party Chair Howard "The Duck" Dean. Dean, coming off of stunning primary victories last Tuesday wherein no Democratic party candidates were caught vandalizing their opponents' offices or vehicles, quietly assumed control of the misunderstood insurgency last night in a simple ceremony.
"Avoid these safe-houses," he was told, having been handed a map with several large red X's on it. "We're pretty sure the ones circled in green are still ok." Three green circles were visible, according to sources close to the ceremony.
Dean was characteristically enthusiastic about his new duties. "This is a real opportunity to galvanize young insurgents to make their voices heard. Or, failing that, to blow themselves to kingdom come and blame the failed Bush administration for it."
Dean indicated that at least part of the $3 million being offered by deep-pockets Democratic supporters in the United States to encourage young Americans to vote Democratic would, instead, be diverted to special Swiss accounts earmarked for support of training camps in the Iraqi desert. "We need to show these young terrorists that the United States cares about them, and wants them to have every opportunity to succeed. If their vision of success is 72 virgins in Paradise, who are we to judge?" Dean told reporters after his swearing in.
Dean's appointment comes as a surprise to many Al Qaeda experts, particularly in Iraq. "It makes absolutely no sense," said one Iraqi observer. "Dean is the Infidel of infidels. He represents one of the worst Zionist nations on earth. Of course, he's no friend to Israel, but how can we possibly trust this capitalist dog?" Others were more cautious. "Give him time, I say," said one young college student. "He may turn out to be the best weapon against the Zionist American administration yet."
Still others were less gracious. "This man has failed every campaign he's run since his disasterous run for President," one man told al-Jazeera. "What makes him think he can fill al-Zarqawi's shoes?"
The White House has declined comment.
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