#278 - Benedict Would Be So Proud

Tensions are high in this country. It has been said that the country hasn't been this divided since the days of the Civil War. Indeed, I speak today of a crime that should offend the sensibilities of all who consider themselves to be loyal to this country. Patriots should publish tales of this crime in the highest courts of justice, and denounce the perpetrators in the halls of Congress. The Chief Executive of the nation should demand that punishment be swift and terrible; a warning to those who would also provide aid and comfort to the enemy.

Treason, you say? Absolutely. Those responsible are well deserving of the epithet "traitor." They have openly despised the country to which they owe their allegiance. They have endangered our democratic way of life, and may even have placed lives in jeopardy.

The criminal?

Albertson's.

The crime?

Giving in to the marketing Nazis who decided that Americans would be satisfied with half gallons of ice cream that are not true half gallons.

It started with the big name labels. Dreyer's. Breyers. Haagen Daaz. Over the last several years they have gone from true half-gallon sizes to a container that holds (prepare to be enraged) one cup shy of a true half gallon! And what are we paying for this privilege? Surely you can guess. More than we paid for a full two quarts! Unless they're on sale.

I had for some time taken comfort in the thought that the grocery stores were holding out. Even though the name brands had long since gone to this new marketing nightmare, the store brands remained at the good ol' American half gallon size. The container itself was comforting; akin to scoring a round number in bowling (preferably 300), or having round numbers in your bank account (preferably $5 million). Having a half gallon in the freezer meant being able to say, "You want some ice cream? Well, I've got a half gallon in the freezer." Now what do I tell my guest? "Ice cream? Sure. I think I've got a one and three-quarters of a quart container in the freezer."

I don't think so.

It also means I can never again satisfy my wife when I go shopping. "Be sure to get a half gallon of ice cream, Honey," she'll say. But can I deliver? I can not. "Sorry, Honey, I could only find those wimpy faux half gallons that are really one cup shy of the mark."

I'm sorry, but this is tantamount to the old communist plot to convert everything in this country to the metric system. Young readers will not remember this farce. We were suddenly required to remember what a "kilometer" was (not as long as a mile, I can tell you). Fortunately, we got smart after about five years of a half-hearted effort to be more like Canada. I mean, think about it:

Half Gallon

• Sounds American


• More bang for the buck


• Conservative

1.75 Quarts

• Sounds Canadian


• More buck for the bang


• Probably Communist

I of course recommend that the Attorney General immediately begin an investigation. Probably Congress should get Albertson's executives in closed session and ask about price gouging. And none of this namby-pamby "whatever the market will bear" nonsense that we let the oil execs claim, either. This has nothing to do with economics. This is a declared war against traditional American values.

Now, before I get lots of bleeding-heart comments telling me how insensitive I am to the environment, or whatever, let me remind you of one thing:

I don't care. I want my half gallon back.

Now.

#277 - A Traitor By Any Other Name

Or, really, just two. The New York Times and the Los Angeles Times. Heaven forbid we should question their patriotism, but this crossed far too many lines.

This has nothing - repeat, NOTHING - to do with the public interest. This is about selling papers. Their desire to become their own headline has once again compromised national security, and they should be treated as enemy combatants.

On a more personal note, at least now I have some fresh ammo to use the next time a Slimes-outsourced solicitor contacts me about subscribing. "No, sorry, it's against my religion to subscribe to a paper that endangers national security."

#276 - Way Off Bass Coins New Phrase

"Elevator Savant."

And you just know that most of the idjits who write that stuff get play time on "smooth jazz" stations.

#275 - Al Qaeda Replaces al-Zarqawi

Al Qaeda in Iraq have appointed a new leader to replace retiring leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, it was announced by al-Jazeera yesterday. To make for a smooth transition and avoid a possible leadership vacuum, Al Qaeda yesterday turned to U. S. Democratic Party Chair Howard "The Duck" Dean. Dean, coming off of stunning primary victories last Tuesday wherein no Democratic party candidates were caught vandalizing their opponents' offices or vehicles, quietly assumed control of the misunderstood insurgency last night in a simple ceremony.

"Avoid these safe-houses," he was told, having been handed a map with several large red X's on it. "We're pretty sure the ones circled in green are still ok." Three green circles were visible, according to sources close to the ceremony.

Dean was characteristically enthusiastic about his new duties. "This is a real opportunity to galvanize young insurgents to make their voices heard. Or, failing that, to blow themselves to kingdom come and blame the failed Bush administration for it."

Dean indicated that at least part of the $3 million being offered by deep-pockets Democratic supporters in the United States to encourage young Americans to vote Democratic would, instead, be diverted to special Swiss accounts earmarked for support of training camps in the Iraqi desert. "We need to show these young terrorists that the United States cares about them, and wants them to have every opportunity to succeed. If their vision of success is 72 virgins in Paradise, who are we to judge?" Dean told reporters after his swearing in.

Dean's appointment comes as a surprise to many Al Qaeda experts, particularly in Iraq. "It makes absolutely no sense," said one Iraqi observer. "Dean is the Infidel of infidels. He represents one of the worst Zionist nations on earth. Of course, he's no friend to Israel, but how can we possibly trust this capitalist dog?" Others were more cautious. "Give him time, I say," said one young college student. "He may turn out to be the best weapon against the Zionist American administration yet."

Still others were less gracious. "This man has failed every campaign he's run since his disasterous run for President," one man told al-Jazeera. "What makes him think he can fill al-Zarqawi's shoes?"

The White House has declined comment.

#274 - Attention, Dave Barry:

We're not absolutely certain, but we'd like to bet that Government grants were involved.

(Hat tip: Mrs. Woody)