Wednesday, November 08, 2006

#317 - Congratulations, Nancy and Howard!

Let me be the first to heartily congratulate the Democrats on their truly decisive victory in the House of Representatives. You have your absolute moral mandate. Good for you.

Not to pressure you, or anything, but I can't help thinking about Pelosi's First Hundred Days scenario. I've just been running back through some memes and threads over the past couple of years and wanted to point out to you what our expectations are, now that you're in power. I'll even be generous and give you two whole years:

1. You are not allowed to fail in Iraq. You can spin "fail" any way you wish, but failure is not an option. Certainly not based on what your expectations were while we were in control. If you have a plan for withdrawing our troops, now's the time. To be considered successful, however, let me remind you that at the same time you're bringing our troops home, the new Iraqi government must be able to continue to govern effectively for at least a few months after we leave. That will give you time to declare that it was Iraq's failure to govern and not our withdrawal that did absolutely nothing to ease the violence in that region.

2. Katrina must never again be allowed to happen. My goodness, the fuss you made over the government's multiple failures to deal with such devastation. So, I'm assuming that in the next two years you will not only have repaired the levee system, but will also have ensured that evacuation plans will not include having thousands of busses sit idle in a parking lot somewhere instead of using them to move people to higher ground.

3. Political corruption. Not allowed during your tenure. And we get to adjudicate your behavior by exactly the same standards you applied to Republicans. Fair?

4. Gay marriage. It goes without saying that one of your first orders of business will be to override the votes of people in all the states where they legally enacted protection of marriage laws. I just hope you're not expecting that we who voted for those laws will stand up and cheer when you do so. Please also do not act shocked when some of the more extreme elements of our party begin using the words "censure" and "impeachment" in conjunction with your name. This is not a threat, but merely a friendly warning.

5. Stem cell research. Just wanted you to make sure that when you pass stem cell research legislation, you have done so having already a complete knowledge of the true benefits of that research before you rush off to create (and then destroy) innocent lives. Note that I say "true benefits" rather than "political benefits." Really, we just might think a little less of you if those benefits turn out to be elusive.

6. Abortion. Now, just because I voted down our California initiative that would have required 48 hour notice to parents before terminating a minor's pregnancy, I don't want you to get the false impression that I somehow support abortion as a fundamental right. I believe I have made it abundantly clear in previous writings that I truly believe that elective abortion is a golden passport straight to Dante's seventh level. Although, since I imagine Hell to look a lot like the Capitol building, I suppose you'd be quite comfortable there.

7. Ooh! Let's not forget about the economy! Our expectations, now that Pelosi is the de facto empress of the nation, is that you will not only leave the economy in as good or better shape than it is now, but that you will also eliminate poverty and tax only the rich (defined as those people making more money than I do). You will also make it possible for corporations to continue to do business so they don't have to keep laying off thousands of workers every year.

8. Global warming. You will of course commit the United States to the Kyoto protocols, or whatever replaces them. This means that the United States will not only take the lead in eliminating global warming, but will also admit and apologize for having caused global warming in the first place. That means that, while you're busy keeping our economy on track, you will also be prepared to pay exorbitant amounts of money to developing nations who were callously destroyed by our negligence. We have a guilty conscience, after all.

9. Immigration. You have two years to resolve this thorny issue. Really, two years ought to be plenty of time, so long as we suddenly acquire a national backbone about our current revolving-door borders. May I point out that allowing thousands of people to cross our borders without control of any kind places us in a kind of double jeopardy? Sure, you have your potential terrorism problem, but there's also an economic angle to be considered here. Isn't it possible that those same rich people you plan to tax might get a little tired of supporting entire third-world nations within our own borders? You know how expensive health care is, for example. Just a thought. (I know I sound a tad cold-hearted on this one. My apologies. I just think it would be cheaper in the long run to simply help developing nations beef up their own health care rather than try to cure them here. Our doctors have better lawyers, and that's always more expensive.)

I could have added something about impeaching Bush, but I kind of see that as a waste of our time, don't you? I mean, we had Clinton dead to rights - in flagrante delecto so to speak - and wasted all that time in the trials rather than preventing 9/11. So I'll just leave the whole Bush-impeachment issue off the table for now. I'd suggest you'd do the same, but, hey, I'm not in power anymore.

Anyway that's it. It's not much more than we would ask of Santa Claus, really, except that Santa is more likely to deliver on his promises. I'm sure you understand; we just really don't want you guys to mess up now that you've got the ball.

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